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Second Marriage Advice Article

The Importance of Keeping Your Connection in Your Second Marriage

By Susie and Otto Collins

A second (or third or fourth) marriage can happen anytime in your life and it's what you do to keep that marriage alive that determines whether it lasts or not.

One of the secrets to creating a great second marriage is to keep your connection strong and alive.

Here's a great story about one of our friends that illustrates this point...

When we saw our friend Elizabeth, she was absolutely glowing! Not only was she glowing, but she was excited about her life in a way we've never seen.
Elizabeth, who is in her middle to late sixties, has reconnected with a man who she went on a double date with fifty years ago and they are getting married soon--a second marriage for both of them.
As she told and showed us how happy she was, we couldn't help but think about the power of connection and how important it is in marriage.
In Kenny and Julia Loggins' book "The Unimaginable Life," Kenny said, "We all long for love. Everything else is just killing time." The same thing could be said about the importance of feeling connected in our lives.
Connection is different for every single person and different for every relationship--but when it's happening you know it.

Connection is especially important in second marriages. More than likely, your first marriage dissolved because your connection had disappeared

You had either grown apart or had become so angry at each other that you could no longer live together.

In any case, connection is usually what disappeared first--and it probably happened in various ways.

When you talk about connection, you have to talk about what it means to both people.

The differences between how one person wants to connect compared to how another person connects can be a real problem in any type of relationship, especially marriages.

One person might want to talk about their day when they come home with the person they are living with and the other person wants some space and doesn't want to talk.

Resentments can build and even though the two people might love or care deeply about one another, there's very little connection because of the walls they've built between them.
If you'd like to connect more in your second marriage, here are a few ideas to help you do that...
1. Open yourself to connecting.
Don't shut yourself off physically or emotionally from people or situations. It's pretty easy to bury yourself in television, the internet or just plain busyness as a way to distract yourself and keep you separate from those you love.

Opening yourself to connection might be something as simple as stopping your "doing" and looking directly into the eyes of someone you love when you are talking with them.
2. Don't make assumptions about what you think people are thinking, saying or doing. If in doubt, ask from a place of genuinely wanting to find out more rather than judging.
3. Adopt an attitude that fosters connection.
Attitudes that stop connection are--
"I'm right. You're wrong"
"I'm better (smarter, prettier) than you"
"If you'd only do it this way, everything would be fine"
Attitudes that create connection are--
"What can I learn from you?"
"You're important to me."
"My way is not the only way. Tell me your ideas."
4. Search for common interests that excite you.
Focus on the "overlap" between the two of you--
where you have points of similarities rather than
focusing on how very different you are.
5. Talk about how you would like to connect. Don't
leave it up to chance and hope that it all works
Don't make the mistake of thinking that connection
always happens by accident and that it's unimportant--even in your second marriage.

Connection requires both of you to be active participants in the process. You can't sit around and hope that you find a connection with each other. You have to make it.

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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins, PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling (614) 568-8282.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email.

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