New Tips and
Strategies For Building More Trust In Your
Relationship or Marriage
By Susie and Otto
One of the biggest
relationship "disconnectors" that keep
people separated is mistrust.
Here's a great question
from one of our newsletter subscribers that
speaks to this issue that most couples
grapple with in varying degrees at one
time or another...
"Hello Susie & Otto,
I just started
subscribing to your newsletter and so far I
like it. I was wondering if you could
cover some topics on trust and how to
build/rebuild it in a relationship when it
doesn't come easily for various reasons. This
is my area of weakness and any advice would
Here are some of our
ideas about trust...
In our experience, one
of the big reasons for mistrust in
relationships is because there is resistance
of one kind or another from past experiences
In most cases, when
there is even a hint of mistrust present,
there is resistance that develops within you
that keeps you from opening and allowing the
other person to fully come in to your heart.
This resistance can be from faulty beliefs,
past experiences and not based on "truth"
unless there are some behaviors that are
currently happening to cause the mistrust.
If there are blatant
agreements that have been broken, like
infidelity, the relationship or marriage can
certainly be healed and trust rebuilt.
order to do this, it usually takes a big
commitment and actions in alignment with
this commitment on the part of both
people to build or rebuild the trust in the
In this article, we are
going to talk about the smaller and less
dramatic ways that trust is destroyed every
day in relationships and some tips on how to
rebuild it in every moment.
This is a big topic and
almost everyone can learn from the kind of
things that we're talking about here because
almost everyone has challenges
at one time or another with opening their
heart to their partner.
It doesn't take
infidelity or affairs to close your heart to
the other person.
In fact, it can be
something as simple as your partner looking
at you (or someone else) in a certain way
that reminds you of past experiences and you
getting upset or offended by that look.
To illustrate how
easily mistrust and closing to your partner
can create disconnection and separation,
we'll tell you a story from our lives...
During the past few
months, we've been remodeling and "sprucing
up" our 130 year old house to get it ready
We've certainly heard the stories
of the challenges that many couples face who
have attempted the job of remodeling or
building a house together.
Being the relationship
coaches that we are, we thought we might
escape all of that--but were we wrong!
The good news for us is
that when things come up for us, we have the
skills, desire and commitment to work
through and get to the bottom of whatever
issue is present.
What has happened is
that every possible issue and difference
that has been between us came up and was
magnified in the process of doing the things
to get this house ready for sale.
While we weren't
overtly angry or upset and still had our
loving connection with each other, there was
a vague feeling of uneasiness between us.
We hadn't really
identified those issues and differences as
creating mistrust between us but they had.
Here are a few ways
that we created disconnection and mistrust
in this process...
1. We made big
assumptions that were half-truths or had no
truth to them about each other.
2. We didn't
communicate our thoughts about this project
and the faulty beliefs about what we thought
the other was thinking as clearly as we
3. We did not create
conscious agreements about how we were going
to proceed with the project before we
4. We didn't truly
understand each other through our
differences of perception.
So today, when we
talked about the topic of trust and what we
wanted to say in this article, we opened our
hearts to each other and truly listened to
what the other person was saying and feeling
about our remodeling project.
listening, we started to understand each
other better and to reach agreements that
would carry us through to the sale of our
Here are some things
that we re-learned about rebuilding trust
from this situation...
1. Recognize when you
are closing your heart to your beloved by
making assumptions, relying on faulty
beliefs or past experiences.
While it is
usually useful to learn from your past
experiences, they also can get in the way of
you living in the present
moment--especially if those past experiences were with a
2. Explore your
differences with an open heart, without
judging and listen to understand. One of our
big differences in this project has been
Susie's attachment to her family's antique
furniture and Otto's desire for more
We have had to really
listen to what we each want and explore how
we can satisfy each of our desires--without
making the other person wrong.
3. Create conscious
agreements and conscious understandings. You
might ask yourselves questions like these...
-What steps do we agree
to take to get to where we want to be?
-Who will be responsible for each of those
-When do we want these steps to happen or be
When we finally opened
ourselves to taking a look at where we had
made assumptions about each other and had
closed our hearts to one another, we were
able to clearly outline a plan for our
remodeling and how we were going to carry it
We know that trust can
be lost in very small ways that add up over
We also know that rebuilding trust is
a choice that we make every day and in every
moment in order to have and enjoy our close,
connected, alive relationship.
We invite you to
explore how bits of mistrust may be sitting
in your heart and separating you from your
We invite you to take the steps in
every moment to regain that trust.