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Build More Trust in Your Marriage

New Tips and Strategies For Building More Trust In Your Relationship or Marriage
By Susie and Otto Collins

One of the biggest relationship "disconnectors" that keep people separated is mistrust.
Here's a great question from one of our newsletter subscribers that speaks to this issue that most couples grapple with in varying degrees at one time or another...
"Hello Susie & Otto,
I just started subscribing to your newsletter and so far I like it. I was wondering if you could cover some topics on trust and how to build/rebuild it in a relationship when it doesn't come easily for various reasons. This is my area of weakness and any advice would be useful."
Here are some of our ideas about trust...
In our experience, one of the big reasons for mistrust in relationships is because there is resistance of one kind or another from past experiences and beliefs.
In most cases, when there is even a hint of mistrust present, there is resistance that develops within you that keeps you from opening and allowing the other person to fully come in to your heart.

This resistance can be from faulty beliefs, past experiences and not based on "truth" unless there are some behaviors that are currently happening to cause the mistrust.
If there are blatant agreements that have been broken, like infidelity, the relationship or marriage can certainly be healed and trust rebuilt.

In order to do this, it usually takes a big commitment and actions in alignment with this commitment on the part of both people to build or rebuild the trust in the relationship.
In this article, we are going to talk about the smaller and less dramatic ways that trust is destroyed every day in relationships and some tips on how to rebuild it in every moment.
This is a big topic and almost everyone can learn from the kind of things that we're talking about here because almost everyone has challenges at one time or another with opening their heart to their partner.
It doesn't take infidelity or affairs to close your heart to the other person.

In fact, it can be something as simple as your partner looking at you (or someone else) in a certain way that reminds you of past experiences and you getting upset or offended by that look.
To illustrate how easily mistrust and closing to your partner can create disconnection and separation, we'll tell you a story from our lives...
During the past few months, we've been remodeling and "sprucing up" our 130 year old house to get it ready to sell.

We've certainly heard the stories of the challenges that many couples face who have attempted the job of remodeling or building a house together.
Being the relationship coaches that we are, we thought we might escape all of that--but were we wrong!
The good news for us is that when things come up for us, we have the skills, desire and commitment to work through and get to the bottom of whatever issue is present.
What has happened is that every possible issue and difference that has been between us came up and was magnified in the process of doing the things to get this  house ready for sale.
While we weren't overtly angry or upset and still had our loving connection with each other, there was a vague feeling of uneasiness between us.
We hadn't really identified those issues and differences as creating mistrust between us but they had.
Here are a few ways that we created disconnection and mistrust in this process...
1. We made big assumptions that were half-truths or had no truth to them about each other.
2. We didn't communicate our thoughts about this project and the faulty beliefs about what we thought the other was thinking as clearly as we could have.
3. We did not create conscious agreements about how we were going to proceed with the project before we started.
4. We didn't truly understand each other through our differences of perception.
So today, when we talked about the topic of trust and what we wanted to say in this article, we opened our hearts to each other and truly listened to what the other person was saying and feeling about our remodeling project. 

In that listening, we started to understand each other better and to reach agreements that would carry us through to the sale of our house.
Here are some things that we re-learned about rebuilding trust from this situation...
1. Recognize when you are closing your heart to your beloved by making assumptions, relying on faulty beliefs or past experiences.

While it is usually useful to learn from your past experiences, they also can get in the way of you living in the present moment--especially if those past experiences were with a different partner.
2. Explore your differences with an open heart, without judging and listen to understand. One of our big differences in this project has been Susie's attachment to her family's antique furniture and Otto's desire for more contemporary furniture.
We have had to really listen to what we each want and explore how we can satisfy each of our desires--without making the other person wrong.
3. Create conscious agreements and conscious understandings. You might ask yourselves questions like these...
-What steps do we agree to take to get to where we want to be?

-Who will be responsible for each of those steps?

-When do we want these steps to happen or be accomplished?
When we finally opened ourselves to taking a look at where we had made assumptions about each other and had closed our hearts to one another, we were able to clearly outline a plan for our remodeling and how we were going to carry it through.
We know that trust can be lost in very small ways that add up over time.

We also know that rebuilding trust is a choice that we make every day and in every moment in order to have and enjoy our close, connected, alive relationship.
We invite you to explore how bits of mistrust may be sitting in your heart and separating you from your beloved.

We invite you to take the steps in every moment to regain that trust.

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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins, PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling (614) 568-8282.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email.

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