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Communication Advice Article

Expand Your View for More Intimacy in Love and Marriage

By Susie and Otto Collins

When you think about your partner and your relationship, how wide is your view?  Many of us tend to focus in on just a few aspects of the one we love and that is the "all" we see. 

But what is missing with a narrow perspective?  We believe, a lot! Expanding your view can help you open up to a more passionate, intimate connection with your love.

It's kind of like using a pair of binoculars to see.  If you are bird watching, at a concert or a ball game, the binoculars allow you an up-close view even if you are seated far away. 

This can really enhance your experience of the wildlife, the musicians or the game-winning touchdown. However, viewing your love or your relationship in a binocular-like way can limit the joyous connection possible.

Klaus and Mindy have been married for 5 years.  They both feel happy and in love, but as they settle into their marriage, some of the habits each has that once seemed "cute," are starting to become annoying. 

For example, Klaus enjoys quiet time at the end of his day and Mindy really wants to cuddle and talk about her day.  Tension has been building as her need for connection increases as does his need for space and some period of solitude.  

Neither wants to make a big deal about it to the other, but inside, each is becoming more and more troubled by this disconnect of needs.  In fact, this disconnect seems to spill over onto other areas of their relationship. 

Have you ever felt like this?  Perhaps it's the way your partner handles gift-giving.  It may even be the way that he or she eats.  Something about your love or your relationship gets under your skin and it seems that your "binocular" view can only see that habit or tendency. It can make you feel like your relationship is really in trouble and drive you crazy!

If you suffer from "binocular" vision, try these tips...

Tip #1:  Stop & Expand

When you're operating from a limited view of your love or your relationship, it's easy to spin many stories in your head that can make things even worse.  Mindy often feels rejected and like Klaus doesn't want to be close to her when she tries to cuddle at the end of the day and he grudgingly goes along.  She can sense his resistance to what she wants and takes it personally.

Instead of allowing herself to go off with this story-- which may not even be true-- Mindy might stop herself and just take some breaths.  She can take a step back and become aware of her perspective of the situation. Looking at things from the position of an observer, perhaps Mindy will see that she is quite narrowly focused. 

Of course, Mindy will still be looking at the situation through her eyes and perspective, but by shifting into an observer position, she can expand that view.  She can question whether the stories she is creating around this dynamic are accurate or if more information is needed.

Tip #2:  Share & Appreciate

Once you stop the stories and expand your view, you can more lovingly communicate with your partner your needs and ask questions to understand where he or she is coming from. If Klaus has gone through the same steps as Mindy and taken off the "binoculars"  for a more expanded view, he might then come to her to share. 

Klaus might ask Mindy about her need for connection and let her know his own needs for space at that particular time of day.  This open honesty can help allay fears that each may have about the situation.  For his part, Klaus has been telling himself that Mindy always wants his attention and, as they talk about it, he realizes that this is not true for her. 

When both come to the conversation with wider perspectives, a solution where the needs of both are met can more easily happen.

The next step is to widen your view even further, beyond the issue that has been troubling you.  If your love does not give you gifts the way you like, this is certainly an issue to explore with him or her from that expanded perspective. 

At the same time, however, be sure to see that your love and your relationship are not wholly made up of gift-giving.  Perhaps he or she shows you love in other ways, like leaving you romantic notes or regularly surprising you with a special dinner.  There are so many ways to connect and share love that can be missed or dismissed when the focus is narrow. 

We suggest you save the binoculars for the next time you are on a hike and want to see a bluebird up close.  To allow your relationship to be as passionate and intimate as possible, expand your view and celebrate all of the wonderful moments there are. We believe this can lead to even more joyous connecting!




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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins, PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling (614) 568-8282.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email.

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