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Surviving Affairs and Infidelity Article

The Price of Keeping Up the Secret

By Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach

Dear Dr. Bob,
My husband seems on the up and up that he is not having an affair. I have had an affair before. could this be the reason I am feeling like he is cheating? All of his hours of work are accounted for and he is always home on time. He never goes anywhere without me. Do I just have a guilty conscience?

My response:

Dear Reader,
Decades ago it was called "projection" - putting on other people those things that are really stirring in ourselves. Maybe that is happening. But, let's look at a couple other angles. Maybe your husband IS having an affair. This may be your "intuition" picking up on something.

Do you know when most people visit my website (on extramarital affairs)? It's 9-5 pm. That tells me that many many "working folk" are surfing. Chat rooms plus a desire for a fantasy life equals trouble
for some - all without leaving your desk or telephone! A possibility? Note what stirs within when you read this.

Something tells me you don't know him very well or he you. Or, there is some barrier at some level getting in the way
of you and he being on the same page - and enjoying it immensely?

I gather from your question that your affair is a secret? If so, such secrets can take tremendous energy to maintain and often "get in the way" of a couple developing the earth shaking intimacy they crave. Do these memories rear their head? They obviously are right now?

Please, I'm not recommending that you let him know of the affair! At some point it MAY be important to do so, but not right now.

First, I want you to take the affair, which you may perceive as a huge mistake, ugly and a huge blemish on your character and look at it. I want for you to reframe it so it no longer elicits guilt or shame.

The freedom you experience from this may awaken new channels of intimacy and trust between you and your spouse.

You begin reframing your affair by asking these questions:

*What was the purpose of this affair for me?

*What personal needs were in my way?

*Where did it fit in my development as a
person (we never arrive, you know!)?

*What did I learn?

*What was I really looking for?

*How can I care for her and forgive her - the part of you who had the affair? (This "splitting" is often very powerful in the healing process.)

Give this introspection a try and see what happens with your fears and the trust you have for your husband. You might want the help of a professional. But, let this person know exactly what you want. Focus only on this issue. This should only take a few sessions.

Dr. Huizenga offers you a free e-course...

Learn How to:

Avoid the 7 Common Ugly Mistakes that Prolong the Affair and Your Misery

7-Part Series. Sign Up Now!

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Dr. Robert Huizenga - The Infidelity Coach

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About the author: Dr. Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, is a respected Marriage and Family Therapist with over two decades of clinical experience, study and research. He created and maintains the website: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.


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