Phase I: Individual Healing – Understanding
Personal Healing and Sorting through Emotional Problems
Phase I is all about you. And when I say
you, I mean whoever is reading the book. This phase (as well
as most of the book) will focus primarily on the injured
because they are the ones who have the most emotional
turmoil to work through. However, there are specific
sections in this phase for both the injured and the cheater.
The cheater will probably benefit from reading the injured
person’s sections and the injured person will probably
benefit from reading the cheater’s section, although it is
When people are affected by infidelity,
their first instincts are to look for reasons that the
affairs happened. They want to know the details of the
affairs. They want to know why their loved ones did what
they did. They want to know if they will ever be able to
trust their partners again.
This is what I call “externalizing.”
Externalizing means that people are looking outside of
themselves for answers to emotional issues that are
happening within them. When you first start working on your
relationship after an affair, the first thing you need to do
is look within yourself.
You need to stop trying to figure out the
other person; you need to be honest about your own thoughts
and feelings concerning the affair; and you need to shift
your perspective from the outside to the inside, from the
external to the internal.
Not only will Phase I help you take a good
honest look at what is going on for you, it also will give
you a lot of concrete strategies that will help you cope
with and overcome your troubling thoughts and feelings.
Rest assured; we will get to the other
things you are worried about. We will look outside as well.
We will ask the hard questions. But first you need to look
within. That’s what Phase I is all about.
Phase II: Healing As a Couple – Working
Together to Identify and Resolve Key Issues
After you do some work on your own reactions
to this difficult experience, you will start to look more
closely at the way you and your partner function as a
In this phase, I will give you a
step-by-step program for effectively communicating with your
partner. This is a critical component in your healing
process. After infidelity, communication becomes incredibly
strained. But if you don’t communicate, you can never heal
and you can never build your relationship into something
that is beautiful and rewarding. Communication is the key to
every good relationship.
We will also examine the seven critical
dimensions to a good relationship, and you will be asked to
explore how you might be better fulfilled in each of these
dimensions. Knowing this will set the stage for rebuilding
your relationship into something that is even better than
anything you could have hoped for.
It is also in this phase that we will look
at whether it is important for you to discuss the details of
the affair. You might be surprised to know that this step
isn’t always critical, and unless it is approached properly,
it can do more harm than good. But I will help you navigate
those waters successfully.
Phase III: Negotiating a Renewed
Relationship – Understanding How to Rebuild and Sustain a
New, Trust-filled Partnership
Once you learn how to talk to one another
again, it is time to actually start doing it. In this last
phase of the book, I will teach you how to renegotiate your
This means carving out the time you need to
spend with your partner, becoming totally transparent so
they can fully trust you, and ultimately, writing a
relationship contract that will ensure not only that the
infidelity will never happen again but that your
relationship will be better than ever.
As I mentioned earlier, this process will
take time and some dedication. But isn’t saving your
relationship worth that investment?
If you would like to know more about
restoring the trust back into your relationship after an
affair, please check out Dr. Frank Gunzburg's free 7-step